The Way Out Is Through
Why avoiding suffering doesn't heal your addiction
For many years I was suffering, I just didn't know it. It started with taking meds for generalized depression symptoms, yet avoiding the real issues of dysfunctional ways or relating, isolation, acting out, and more. I wanted what most of us in cycles of addictive behavior wanted- a “Quick Fix” that would somehow allow me to not feel feelings but just magically create instant calm and happy feelings. Of course, the reality is that something might be quick and soothing, but certainly not a fix. A bottle empties, drugs have to be bought once they run out, a joint only lasts as long as you take to smoke it. Pills don't refill themselves. Still, what did we turn to? Things that were impermanent and fleeting in order to fill that uncomfortable space in ourselves that just didn't want to feel anymore. Numbing is Avoidance, Avoidance is Numbing.
We live in a society in which happiness and joy at any cost a prioritized. We want to Looksmaxx, optimize, bliss out, manifest, achieve a personal best, sculpt.. etc. We are told that something is wrong with us if we don't also desire to be happy and productive all the time. Self-help books are more about SELF and less about the help. At the same time, people are generally unhappy, a trend that started picking up during COVID isolation. 81% of Americans DO feel happy about the direction of their lives, but 19% don't feel that way. There's a percentage that feels restless, unhappy, and desiring torwards anything to not feel that way. The problem is that the way to avoid the constant suffering of life is actually to NOT avoid the suffering part. The Tibetan Monk Khenchen Konchog Gyaltshen Rinpoche notes that experiencing suffering and not fleeing from it produces wisdom, compassion, resilience, and a deep respect for reality.
To be honest, think about your life-Do you trust someone who hasn't had any hardship in their life ever? I don't. The people I respect the most are people who have been through some hellish experiences-ODing and waking up in the ER, Domestic violence, divorce, living under bridges, prison, losing custody of your kids.. And yet? These people perservere because they choose to embrace healing and living, even if it costs, and trust me it DOES COST.. Suffering is the price paid. There's a lot to be said for choosing not to flee, numb, or avoid. Suffering tests what we are made of, the ultimate “stress test” of not just our heart, but our mind and our very soul. There's no cheat code for dealing with what makes us suffer. There's no system, no prayer, no mantra that makes it go away.
We have to “go through some s*it” to realize we are capable, that we want more from life, that we are finally tired of feeling sick and tired and willing to do something about it. Being a currently unemployed Recovery Coach with a father whose body is battered by Parkinsons and a social life that's fairly nonexistent is hard, but going through all this after a decade of my life incarcerated has shaped me into a kinder, more empathic, more responsible person. Do I wish there had been a different way to get to this? You bet. I would not wish my life catastrophe on anyone. It was brutal, and it's after effects are still brutal sometimes. Still, suffering has made me a good coach, a good son, and a better human being. I am journeying my way out by going through and I do so with the trust that on the end there will be resolution and joy.