The Really Real You
Imposter Syndrome, Recovery, and who you are at work
Recently a colleague of mine who I have come to consider somewhat of a close friend confided in me that he knows he's capable of more, and that he should apply to roles now that he has certification and training, but something is holding him back. “It's like I know I can, but I also don't” he explained. I explained to “D” that this feeling is what they call Imposter Syndrome, the feeling that you are just faking it to make in and the real you isn't capable of achieving. “Who am I to try doing this thing?” is what Imposter Syndrome puts into our heads. It could have been that we were gaslit or ignored by peers, or that a family member said something that hurt our Self-Esteem, or you've just come out of a long bid in prison and are learning how to do “adulting” after coming into the system as a teenager, as is the story with D. Imagine doing over 3 decades in prison and then being told “You're free to go” while the world changed without you. I admire D because he's doing the work of adulting and advocating and being real with people all at once, learning by trial and error. The work? That's a whole lot of heavy emotional and spiritual lifting.
I admit I have to practice what I preach every day. I mask where I am now to some people because, honestly, some people just don't want the real me to show up. They see what they see and when I have tried to be authentic, have shown me it wasn't welcome. As a mentor had to remind me “Not everyone is your friend, and not everyone has the best of intentions” and maybe you are learning this as well in your Recovery journey. People will gossip near the water cooler, or shirk their duties hoping you will pick up slack. Family members will assume you want money before you open your mouth, even though you just wanted to say something different before they interrupted. If you live in a Sober House, be prepared for rudeness, invasion of privacy, and Do As I Say but Not As I Do norms. Is it any wonder we retreat from showing our real selves to one another? Probably not.
Look-Authenticity is hard.. REALLY HARD. We are learning who we can and can't trust, and who has a sense of the real parts of us. If you are formally incarcerated like I am, you have had to learn your value and your ability to change all over again because the system took away your ability to choose for yourself then dumped you out the door with an admonition to make better choices in life so you didn't come back. I still remember the snickers of a CO when I was processing out on my release day. “You'll be back Osmun.. You guys always F**k up and come back” he said. Another CO who knew me better luckily had seen before this bozo, and had told me “You're going to make it.. no worries”. In some places the CO's have betting pools on who will be back in their custody after release. Is is any wonder the system seems to operate on the idea of inevitable recidivism?
As a person of faith, I have always liked the line of scripture that says we are “Fearfully and wonderfully made”. For many years, my “Imposter Syndrome” was that there really wasn't anything “Wonderful” about me. I was an OK guy, but I wasn't good or special or cherished or important.. I just.. was. It's taken me a lot of work, and therapy, to realize that in fact, there are many wonderful qualities to my character, that at the core of things, I AM a good person. With this revelation comes a sense of core competency, that I am indeed capable of doing what I do as a Recovery Coach and as a Caregiver and Son. I am trained, talented, caring, empathic, and professional. I know what I am about and what I am not about. I am a professional, even if others may fail to recognize that. It's time to be clearheaded about ourselves and start to take off the mask of invisibility we keep on to protect ourselves. We have earned the right to show up and take space. Let's not forfit that.