Recovery, And...??
Sober is the starting point, not the end point..
I've been around a few old school NA/AA guys lately, and they have a whole lot of wisdom that I think I sometimes see lacking in people new to Recovery. This is not because they are somehow better, but because they have a whole lot more life experience of what worked and what didn't in their recovery. Not surprisingly, one of those folks, and older man I've come to respect a whole lot, stated that for him, being “Sober” is just that-Recovery? That involves actually DOING things more then just staying away from substances. The “doing” he was talking about involves giving back, being productive, the People/Places/Things strategy, and meaningful connection. Paying it forward is this man's way of paying his “dues” to the Recovery community. For me, my “work” as a Recovery Coach with over 1,000 hours of volunteer service allows me to give back, even though none of us can magically undo the damage we did with good deeds, provides me with a platform to be stable and a structure that keeps me humble, out of trouble, and feeling better about myself. If I was forced to stay in the house on an ankle bracelet, I'd be miserable right now. I still remember when Dad was healthier after I had just gotten released and school had started again in the fall, taking a walk through Edgewood Park seeing ducks in the pond that flowed into the Mill River, watching the leaves fall off the trees, walking over the bridge and back up through Westville to the house. Just the ability to walk in a place not surrounded by razorwire and chain link fence was a profoundly beautiful experience. Later on I would go on hikes with a friend or with others and realize that hiking was a way of reconnecting with myself, of grounding me experience and living more fully. Nature has always been a place I go to heal and “recharge my batteries”.
If you are newly sober and feeling a bit stagnant or bored, there's a very real reason behind that feeling. Getting Sober was the hard part, and now maybe you feel like you were coasting, but something's missing. You're not Sad, you're not Happy, you're just.. There. And then it hits you-What the hell do I do now? Bars are out, happy hour isn't a thing anymore, some of your friends aren't your friends anymore because they use still and you don't..Damn. This even sorta happened to me even though I wasn't a person with an SUD, when I decided to give up my light social drinking. I had to find Sober spaces, and the first time I went to a show at a local bar (Three Sheets) I panicked until I saw that they had Nonalcoholic Beer and other non-booze drinks beyond soda. Not liking being around really drunk people (The bartender did a shot with a fellow patron) I have never gone back, choosing other venues like Best Video to see a good local show without plastered hipsters. Socialization is still something I admittedly suck at. I don't really have friends (all the cool people have felonies as well, so.. that's a No No)and I didn't go to Yale, so often me being social is taking myself to some event somewhere, by myself, and not talking to random East Rock hipster creatives who I don't know. Getting actual friends who don't have felonies is on my To Do list, I promise.
Here's the thing they may not emphasize enough in rehabs or detox units-The art of LIVING Sober is different from BEING Sober. Being Sober is a state of being. Living? That's the art of creating a life after sobriety. In order to stay on the right track, most people I talk to point to a different kind of “People/Places/Things” list:
People-You may find you have to get new friends if all your other friends are either using or dealing. The friends you have who can safely consume alcohol may feel strange having you around them when they drink but you abstain. Having people who are already sober as friends makes things a whole lot less awkward. Need to get new sober friends? Look at Meetup groups, NA/AA events, or the Newform App, which has sober activities near you in pretty much every state.
Places-You may need to find places to replace where you don't go anymore. People I talk to have discussed going to some new cafes downtown they've never been to, going to the beaches, farmer's markets, and..yes..Gardening and Crochet groups. If you nerd out on video games in New Haven, my gaming friends reccomend the game nights at Spruce Coffee (Check their website).
Things-Ever seen people at recovery meetings armed with coloring books and sharpened Crayola colored pencils or gel pens? It's a thing, trust me. You may find you need to deepen your spirit by going to meditation, doing Yoga, or going to church/synagogue/mosque. One guy I met during the Recovery Coach training reccomends going hiking and hugging a few trees. I tried it once while out hiking (Nobody saw me, luckily, because that would be..well.. hella awkward). Exercise is a good way to relieve stress and avoid boredom or idle time as well, and you will feel better overall for doing it.
My God, how many of us forgot that Recovery is supposed to allow us to have some FUN for once, or that we could have actual joy and laughter? How many of us whiteknuckled it until someone told us that we could take our journey seriously but ourselves a little less seriously? I remember coming home, I realized I had at some point not remembered to laugh. When I finally did, it was a bit cathartic. I'd had some laughs here and there with some close friends and some of my Celebrate Recovery group, but coming out I knew nobody besides family, and I didn't trust many people. I was no longer in my mess, and I had started talking to a therapist while in prison, but I was still pretty serious and sometimes a bit dour. We think of Recovery as recovering our lives from substances or addictive behaviors, but Recovery is also the act of reclamation-We must reclaim a part of ourselves that was there all along, hidden under the debris of our addiction and dysfunction. This part of ourselves knows it is good, that it is loved, that it is valuable. This part is caring, creative, resilient, knowing, trusting, kind, and vulnerable. This part is the teacher, the wisdom keeper, the truth teller. Being sober is a fantastic gift, but the greater gift is using it to truly live again, as fully vibrant human beings.