Pardon The Interruption
Should Recovery meetings allow Crosstalk?
At our center, I and other volunteers often end up chairing our Recovery meetings. As we read the ground rules, one we always emphasize is “No Crosstalk”, which we define strictly as commenting on someone else's share in any way while they are sharing. While we are not being Recovery Karen's about the occasional “MmHmm” or “That's Right”, if we don't control it, people will try and offer opinions. I try not to over police, but I am very strict on this because sharing is a sacred thing for many people. I myself don't even give any clues when I listen beyond nodding. I attend these meetings, sharing occasionally, because hearing from others keeps me humble and grounded and affirms part of why I do this work-In humanizing the experiences of others, I am humanized (*I don't think anyone whose been in prison comes out of it without an experience of serious Dehumanization)
Sometimes it happens. Usually 2 newcomers show up. Someone starts sharing and there's Early Recovery Ernie over there chittering away with Sober Sarah in hushed tones when the meeting has started. Your emotions start to rise.. Will they please just STOP for 2 freaking seconds? You end up thinking. Worse case scenario, one of the NA or AA veterans who knows, just knows how wrong this is will get up and leave, annoyed that a norm has already been broken. It's here where I think the importance of having specific small groups devoted to open sharing is key. Where I Recovery Coach, we often do “Check In” groups for people to share what's going on for them, and if they wish, get some feedback. This allows people to vent or get things out BEFORE a meeting so as not to take up too much time from a packed group or cut someone off to jump into the silence.
I think it's important to note the reasons WHY Crosstalk happens in Recovery spaces, which are 2 things that I think make sense when you think about what people are not getting in their process all the time:
Sober Houses may lack a sense of warmth and trust. Manipulation and Gossip can be rife in those spaces and so people may bottle emotions or issues out of self-protection.
Case Managers are not therapists, and a lot of people are left to process on their own, not having tools to do their own Self-Regulation of their emotions.
When I coach I find I rarely have to coax someone to speak. People coming out of active addiction inevitably feel they NEED to talk about it, and talk about it with a trusted person. Usually I will start a conversation simply with “So what's going on for you today that you need help with?” And it all comes out-The fear, the anger, the shoddy case management or lack of it, the shame, the ex-wife doesn't believe I have changed and doesn't want me to have custody of the kids, etc. Listening, in my opinion, is the sacred obligation and the moment things get real. In my practice I have listened to women talk about being choked by a partner, men talk about being brought back to life in the ED, stories of relapse, abuse, correctional officer abuse, murder, family dysfunction, and worse. Very painful stuff comes to the surface, and not being a therapist, this is where I like to ask if they have talked to a counselor or therapist about what they are holding and offer a referral. When I was a member of a all men's Celebrate Recovery group in prison, we always talked about the 12 step concept that “Our Secrets Make Us Sick”, and I absolutely believe that. At the same time, a lot of people in Early Recovery have Egos. Yes, I said that.. some of you folks are still focused on yourselves, are needy, and selfish.. deal with it. We are all adults in these spaces, and if we want to be held accountable, it's time to dispense with the people pleasing that allows people to hold meetings hostage with their self-centric monologues. If I wanted a monologue, I'd go find a dive bar off of Dixwell Ave and listen to the day drinkers carry on. No thanks.
I'd love to hear from those of you who go to meetings virtually or in person how you've seen the dynamic change (or remain unchanged) around sharing. Does your meeting have strict guidelines? Do you find Crosstalk a problem? How does your meeting chair handle people who overshare, monopolize or interrupt others? Do you believe Crosstalk should never happen, or are there times you feel like it might even be necessary for Recovery? Leave a comment!