On Being Understood
Why being truly understood is the doorway to healing and inclusion
Recently I sat down with a superior because he had heard something I had said about my struggles with unemployment and wanted to know how he could support me more (he's not in a position to hire anyone, but he wants to support the people he supervises). We talked openly, and deeply, and at the end of our conversation, he came away with a better understanding of who I am, my struggles, and why I am deeply devoted to my role as a Recovery Coach. I wish I could say that everyone is that understanding and supportive, but that's not reality. While we may have a Utopian dream of a world where everyone is valued, supported, championed and equal, we don't have that world and probably never will here on Earth. James Carroll once said “Perhaps the greatest utopia would be if we could all realize that no utopia is possible; no place to run, no place to hide, just take care of business here and now”. I am willing to believe that this is the case, therefore I'd rather have a few key people understand and embrace what I am trying to achieve in my own healing and recovery then try and live a Polyanna myth about everyone wanting what I want if I can just convince them.
There's that famous saying “Seek not to be understood but to understand” and I think this is where we take power back in the Recovery Community. When people see we are willing and even able to understand them, they join forces with us and become allies and friends, people who may even love us as we need to be loved. Ask the questions you need to ask, learn to listen, look for actions beyond words, reflect what someone has said. -When you do all these actions, you start to build a bridge between yourself and others. There's nothing to defend, nothing to prove..just a relationship being built by two or more people learning how to relate on a truer level. Not everyone will figure out what the heck is going on with you in your recovery journey, and that's OK. For everyone who scratches their head or judges, there will be people who listen to you and nod, a smile appearing on their face.. “Yep, I know where you've been..That was me”. Maybe you'll buy a cup of coffee after your 12 step meeting, or go for a walk and really talk about life. If you do, know that I envy you. I just don't have those kinds of social circles right now, but I am trying to slowly build them. The people in my life don't fully understand, but they do care and support my healing, and that's pretty good for right now.
Many years ago, on a Semester abroad in Spain, 2 Russian Girls doing a Summer tour of Spain joined our tour bus charter for the day. Knowing some Russian myself, I engaged with them a tiny bit, even though they spoke perfectly understandable accented English. Trying to be funny, I remembered my HS Russian teacher, Mrs. S, had taught us “Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes” in Russian and recited it verbatim. We all started laughing and a connection was made. We later got a pitcher of Sangria with my fellow summer course students and talked about our cultural differences. I could easily point to that and say “Well, that was the Before version of me, This is the After version that nobody gets” but that's not entirely true. Who we were before we fell from grace into addiction and destructive behavior may have some parts that are gone, but the true essence of who we are never disappeared. Who I am now is complicated and sometimes hard to comprehend. My life struggles only a handful of people may understand, and that's a hard reality. Still, for everyone who doesn't, my coaching has built a bridge to have people understand me more. Do I need or even want them to understand it all? No. Frankly speaking, nobody needs to know everything about everybody. Your life is yours to speak on, not theirs. Call it Discretion, Tack, whatever you want to call it. Part of what I do as a coach is put my own understanding aside to ask “What's going on for you? What's real right now in your life?” and then to shut up and listen as the words flow. When you listen, truly listen, then understanding comes. Common themes come up in Recovery even if I have never had some of the experiences others have-Hiding, Shame, Stigma, Fear, Hope, Love, A pursuit of Joy. All people in Recovery carry these things into their healing. When we let these things lead us to exploration, we engage rather then explain, discern rather then diagnose, and listen rather then lecture, we grow and our relationship with others and our world grows. That's easy enough to understand..