Nothing to Defend
Why letting go of proving yourself is necessary
Recently a new reader brought up that he/she tried to figure out who I was and if I was being genuine or not or was just manipulating others into thinking what I wanted them to think about me and that's completely fair to wonder. New readers often may wonder whether or not this is just another Substack that's built on AI slop, Ego, and selling something. Substack itself is not immune from AI deepfakes, lying, and people simply trying to get their subscriber numbers to get over 500 so they rank in the top 10. If you've been a reader of Shameless for a while, then you know that:
I have talked about recovering from a process addiction, not substances. My addiction was as real as yours was. I am not playing the “Addiction Olympics” with anyone.
My cousin died from deliberate OD and was addicted to Opiates, which is part of why I do what I do as a Recovery Coach. My motives stem from that.
I choose not to identify publicly as a man “in Recovery” to not confuse anyone into thinking I had an SUD when I do not have a substance history. I was a very light social drinker (1 drink a month at most usually) and gave that up to support the people I know and care about who are in Recovery. I have never claimed to be someone I am not.
I talk openly about shame, incarceration, stigma, and my own failings. My writing is transparent and honest, and that's why you probably keep reading my Substack.
As a coach, I also talk to so many people who feel judged and are often on the defensive with friends, family, case managers, probation, etc. These people, reactive as they may be, feel like they MUST say something because their reputation is at stake. After all, if you know you are sober and your family doubts you, wouldn't you want to “clear the air”? Of course. The issue is a slippery one though, because for all the people you could prove yourself to, some will still doubt you because of your past history with drugs, incarceration, manipulation, womanizing, scheming, etc. Trust is something that is pretty damn hard to earn back once it has been broken. I willingly admit I was a pretty scheming and manipulative guy in my own dysfunctional way of living. I was shady but I hid it well under a veneer of professionalism and grit. I was the hard-working hero character who was dying inside..maybe that was you as well, friend. I have yet to meet someone who is honest about their addiction who would say that they didn't use and manipulate others to feed their addictive personality.
My point in saying all this is that I don't feel I have a need to explain, justify, defend myself or try and take back my honor. I know who I was, and I know who I am now, and whoever sees that sees that. It's not my job to become my own PR firm, and it's not yours either. Chosen community is the people who see who you are RIGHT NOW, not in the past. Those people who trigger your defensiveness? They are just people, not your community. Forgive them or not, but don't be stuck with trying to please them or convince them.. some will never be convinced. Recovery is about reclaiming your own narrative for yourself first, not for others before yourself. At our center where I coach, we say “You're in Recovery when YOU SAY YOU ARE”. You and only you can claim how you want to define and guide your own healing and recovery. It's not up to your family, your case manager, your therapist, your AA/NA sponsor..It's on you. The most damaging thing the men I coach often tell me is when someone sees their prescription for Methadone, which keeps them off of Heroin or other Opiates, and tells them that they are “not fully sober” or “Not in fully recovery” because of some NA stigma around “any substance”, even MAT. To these skeptics I ask-Is it better to have someone OD and die or have horrible cravings every day but be in line with your dogma or to actually live a better life free from the desire for Heroin by means of a chemical that allows them to no longer crave using it?
I'm a formerly incarcerated man helping my fellow man/woman. I'm a convicted felon. I'm a person who sinned. Yes, I am all those things and yet none of them define me. I am a son, a former caregiver to a father with Parkinson's disease, a brother, a musician in my church, an artist, an advocate, a pacifist promotor of nonviolence. I walk 35 mins Monday-Friday down to a job I don't even get paid for because it heals me to help others heal. I could care less what anyone thinks about that. I worship God, not Google. I do the “work” I do because imperfect, broken, healing people are life-giving to me, and I love them all. I refuse to explain, defend or apologize for that. I don't have to and neither do you, broken healing soul that you are. If we spent less time being concerned about other people's pasts, who relapsed, who was talking to who after the AA meeting, etc then we would see more people show up in these Recovery rooms, knowing that the only “Agenda” was getting well again. When anything else creeps in, the community suffers.