My Name Is Not Superman
Recovery isn't about trying to rescue..
On Friday as part of my Professionalism training we broke into breakout rooms within Zoom a few times. The topic of “saving” people came up in a roundabout way and the agreement was that Recovery Coaches can't save anyone. We're not here to magically save anyone-People must save themselves by choosing a way of life that doesn't end with jails, institutions, or death. Do I want the people I coach to recover and stay substance free if that's their goal? Yes. I clap when many of them finally put put their habits aside for good. They made the choice themselves, I only gave them encouragement and the resources to make it happen. The work? That's always them. Sometimes it's a work that is in progress-A client will be doing well and then admit they smoked pot or took a Perc in a moment of weakness. Some will get off everything else, try to put the pot down, but end up back to a daily toke just because it was too hard to deal with their life “stuff” without it. Some may never come back. I have a few old colleagues out running in the streets chasing that next baggie again after appearing to have beat the odds and given hope to others. Who knows if they will come back or be found blue in the back alley somewhere when someone finds them and calls 911.
I find dealing with clients who make progress then have setbacks tricky. Before I ever entered the Recovery realm, I often found myself assuming the rescuer role, even in dating, if someone had a lot of baggage. “That's OK” I would say “She'll turn it around. I can love her into a happier, better person”. Usually this might have lasted in the early euphoria of new love, but later on it would inevitably lead to tension and going or separate ways. Superman may have gotten his Lois Lane, but I'm not from Krypton, nor am I made of steel. The urge to rescue is more often times about our discomfort with feeling unable to change another person or get instant validation then it is any altruistic desire for the betterment of others. Rescuing is a form of perfectionism where in order to feel perfect, we must be the constant hero/heroine of the story of someone else. Addiction isn't a nice little fairy tale ogre who gets slayed by the dashing and brave prince-ADDICTION IS SERIOUS STATE OF UNWELLNESS CAUSED BY USAGE. If we believe that Addiction plays by our rules and can be tamed in another person by sheer grit and love, we will likely be disappointed. Someone can receive support, love, and grit from another person and still not quit their addictive actions. If I had a dollar for every time I have had someone on the telephone who spoke about “trying to get” their loved one sober I'd be a rich man, because nobody can magically “Get” someone else sober. Sobriety is a party of one before it is a party of many. The initial choice to get sober is a change made by ones own self first. Staying sober is where community like 12 step groups, sober clubs, etc come into play.
The Wheelhouse organization describes this desire to fix or save an addicted person from themselves as the “Rescue Cycle” a cycle of behavior that starts with an honest desire to keep the addicted loved one alive, safe, and close by for fear that consequences imposed might push them away for good. The cycle looks like this:
Notice what's happening here? As soon as Consequences appear that would cause real discomfort and even perceived harm, a family member or someone close to the person who has the SUD tries to fix the problem, and succeeds in their mind when the person quits using around them or family. Of course, the things that have caused the addiction remain unnoticed and not addressed, continuing to cause stress and trauma to the addicted person. Not facing consequences to learn boundaries and limits, the addicted person relapses or goes underground to use alone, maybe escalating their usage without anyone seeing until another questions is raised, another situation boils over, another argument, another detox, another “She ran away and took my wallet” scenario. Wash.Rinse.Repeat becomes the default while the Rescuer wonders what went so wrong when they were only trying to be loving and helpful to the person using. This is where the mythology comes in “If I had only said..” “Next time I will take him to church with me” “I should have hugged her more” as if any of these things was the magic sauce to heal addiction. It's not, and it can't be.
We can love someone with an SUD without enabling, we can practice real love with proper limits instead of Tough Love with artificial ultimatums. We can focus on letting rock bottom happen when all else has failed. We can give resources, sit back, and take a breath before we say “I'm here for you when you are ready to do something different”. We can choose to not beat ourselves up when we recover and those around us continue to “f*ck it up”. Not having to save anyone enables us to rescue ourselves first, get stronger, and be a model of how to do it when the person in active addiction is ready to finally put using behind them. Hang up the cape.. put on Humility and caring and let people do the messy work of finding their way back to healthy.