Love is a burning thing..
A single sober man's musings on Love as a complicated thing..
Earlier this week, my colleague tapped me to chair our recovery meeting and gave me his topic to use “Love, Lust, Like-What's the difference?”. A spirited meeting developed with a lot of people explaining how confusing it all could be. In addiction, your idea of what you loved was probably substances more then people, or it was the people who actually had the substances you wanted. Lust? That's what a craving feels like. Like? What was there to like beyond the numbing, the BS, and the feeling of being somewhere that wasn't the crushing reality of life? It all got confusing once soberiety kicked in, right? That's the hard part. A lecture I attended on Wednesday drove this home in particular to signals men get-Intimacy is threatening to cultural versions of masculinity, because it doesn't contain itself to simply physically intimate relations with the same or opposite sex, and requires actual vulnerability. If I am intimately relational with a man in a platonic way, does that mean i'm being unmanly or femme? If my intimacy with someone doesn't quickly lead to “getting some”, did I fail as a man? Perhaps the reasons for our confusion about Love and Lust lies in conditioning more then our own habits.
As a single and sober (by choice, not by any bad habits)male in the Recovery field, you'd think maybe I'd be a catch of some sorts. I have a car, no habits, no hangups. I'm polite, kind, still have all my teeth if not all my hair. I'm told I have really wonderful eyes, etc. Women even randomly smile at me when I am in cafes or stores ordering. Still, I don't actually see myself as a catch. Maybe my ex-GF would beg to differ with me, but as someone with a felony I have plenty of baggage that a lot of people just don't want to handle, and that's OK. I'm not everyone's cup of tea. I'm literally the human male version of the “It's Complicated” relational status update on Facebook. Snails have a more interesting love life than I do, trust me. Still, while my ability at romance may seem limited, my desire for an actual relationship and for a deep commitment in bonding with another human being on romantic level has always been there- dysfunction or not. I may not have the current situation to express that kind of love, but the capacity is there.
Men in the “Recovery Rooms” need to recognize we are our own worst enemies. I've lost track of how many times I have seen That Guy, the one we all notice who approaches the newcomer women after the meeting- I really enjoyed what you shared, I'd love to catch a meeting sometime.. hey.. let me get your number! Not recognizing he's coming on like Leisure Suit Larry, the dude keeps trying his luck, eventually causing other women to find other meetings, block his number or something else. On occasion, our lothario manages to convince an impressionable woman in early recovery to hook up with him. He preys on what he sees as “Damaged” women because they are vulnerable, and he can exploit that while telling himself he’s showing care and concern to them. The result is either hilariously mismatched or tragically toxic a lot of the times. I've listened to women talk about being hit on without their consent, spoken to about their body, stalked, asked for photos, swindled for money, etc. Sometimes my male colleagues or acquaintances may think I'm Asexual, that I have zero interest in women but it's “OK” because, at least… you know..I am not gay, which would not be ok because many of them fear gay men while trying to look unbiased. I have to explain that to me, it comes down to healthy boundaries-Recovery spaces are about Recovery and Recovery only. I can acknowledge to myself that a woman in or not in a healing process is desirable without taking initiative. That doesn't mean I don't like women, it means that I respect them too much to drive them out of their one safe place to find lasting change.
I don't know about you, but part of my growth is that I can look at a woman and love her for who she is, what her soul looks like, how she shines in a room because of authenticity and vulnerability, without needing to lust. I don't possess anyone.. I am not a witch doctor or a zombie-creator. I don't control anyone, and nobody ever belongs to me. When someone says “That's my girl, She's my boo” etc, I wonder where they purchased her-Costco, Walmart, Stop N Shop? Is there a secret bride selling marketplace I don't know about? Jokes aside, People are not your possessions after all. Someone in relationship to us is a person first, and a partner second. Recovery allows us to move away from transactional ways of relating to authenticity. While I wouldn't date someone in early recovery, I could see myself dating someone who had 10 years under their belt who was also kind, stable, vulnerable, forgiving, and passionate about life. Broken but healing people no longer scare me anymore. I am sometimes drawn to them. Some of them will be available, some of them the logistics of being a part of their life in a more intimate way just doesn't fit my life, and that's OK. Guys forget that just like you can have a “Girlfriend” you can also have a platonic “Girl FRIEND”. The more we embrace a love that is more holistic, the more true and healing it becomes for us.