Everybody Talks
(And that's a problem for the Recovery Community)
Ever had the realization that others were talking about you and spreading gossip about your past? Recently, after assuming this behavior was left behind when I left incarceration I got the rude awakening that my past was being gossiped about by people who I previously trusted. To make matters worse, someone was trying to doxx me by bringing up stories about my past to people above me. In the end, I've decided that I am not going to start a beef with my Judas, but rather stay quiet and show the gossips that I am not intimidated and I pity them. An ally and confidant of mine has stepped in to confront the gossiper, and show support for me. Still, knowing that people felt the need to focus on the past and not where I was, with them, doing important service alongside them in the present hurt..Gossip Hurts. I expected more from my fellow humans, and that more didn't materialize. Oh, how I wish they could know how their gossip only makes me want to disengage from the community we are a part of. Likely, I will leave. If I am guessing correctly, some of you have left places because of gossip as well. Being in Recovery doesn't magically make people less gossipy (A old friend and mentor of mine who was an AA veteran told me that AA guys made for very good gossip). In his book, "The Four Agreements” Culandero/Healer Don Miguel Ruiz stated that the first agreement was to “Be impeccable with your word”. Don Miguel explained that “impeccable” in Nagual spirituality is akin to being without sin in one's speech. Is what you are saying impeccable if it's meant to cause controversy or to shame someone for their past mistakes? I doubt that. Trying to pry into someone else's past failings is about powerlessness and a grasping for status, and little more then that.
Still, if we want to create safe places, we have to deal with what I call the “gossip culture” around us that seems obsessed with every scandal, every affair, every bad deed, every misstep. As Belaire Recovery Center states, Gossip “can lead to feelings of shame, which in turn can lead to relapse”. The ancient writer Marcus Aurelius went even further making the point very succinct:
“How much time he gains who does not look to see what his neighbour says or does or thinks, but only at what he does himself, to make it just and holy.”
That part, “what he does himself..” is ringing in my ears as I type this. Why is it this man decided to say what he did and others feed his quest for gossip and talking down about me? Why did my brother in recovery turn on me? Precisely because he didn't want to have anyone look at his own imperfections. Recovery is hard enough when you have to judge yourself and look at your own actions in the light of truth and the brokenness of your past behaviors. It's a huge struggle when you have everyone else's judgment about your own recovery thrown in your face. The shame, the ridicule, the sense of being an outsider, the way I now see the people who overheard the gossip avert their eyes or avoid talking to me, all these things can really mess with your sense of balance and healing. Luckily for me, I'm used to this kind of nonsense and have a really strong sense of self-confidence, self-worth and my own potential. Trying to shame me with my past doesn't work anymore, because I don't actually live in the past anymore.
If you are feeling like giving up, lashing out, or relapsing, please talk to people you trust, or a spiritual leader, sponsor, or your therapist. Don't let someone's opinion or gossip stop you from your own healing journey. What the backstabber hasn't realized yet is that only HE lives in the past, and I am living in the present and future of my better life. I am moving forward, whereas the Gossip Crew is stuck living in the quicksand of their own egos and their own hiding from their own imperfections. I don't hate them, I desire them to heal from their pettiness and judgement so they can be more focused on their healing then my past.