Drunk Dad, Sober Son
When you get sober but your parent doesn't.
The other day I was listening to someone share the fact that while they no longer drink or do drugs, they have a Dad who is an Alcoholic. The woman who spoke mentioned that her Dad still supports her and her recovery, but can't seem to catch sobriety for himself. Another man I know can't meet his Dad at his parents house because his Dad is drunk often when at home but doesn't want to “embarass” his son when in public, so they meet only in public places where there's no bars. So many parents, so many stories..missed emails, birthdays ruined by a drunken Mom slurring her speech to toast while her kids were humiliated. Having to drive your own Dad to detox, finding out Mom has been stealing your prescriptions while she babysits your kid you left with her while you went to pick up your Methadone. I've heard a lot of messy stories in my time coaching. It's always heartbreaking to want to do better for yourself and to break the cycle of addiction but still see the main cause of it using/drinking/etc. Having a family member who isn't sober around you can be not only triggering, but destructive to family bonds and support. How can you be parented if your parent is too drunk or high to meet your emotional needs for bonding?
While neither of my parents have struggled with addiction, Addiction has been a facet of my family. My maternal grandmother was an alcoholic who eventually died because of the damage done to her body. My uncle was a heavy drinker, chainsmoker of Marb Reds and a habitual pot smoker, and we have reason to believe my family tree probably hid a few gamblers and womanizers in it. I consider myself lucky that my drinking was never an issue (I gave up even light drinking for total Abstainence about a year ago) and I was never a drug user. Some people think that there's almost a sense of “fate” around families with addiction. If your Dad drank, then it makes sense that you'll become an alcoholic as well. Still, my Mom is living proof that a child of an alcoholic is not “predestined” to become one, and I think that's a crucial thing to repeat here-Addiction is a DISEASE, Not a DESTINY. Nobody is predisposed just because they were in a family where drugs or alcohol were prevalent. Each person chooses themselves whether to follow in the footsteps of an addicted parent or not. There's not fatalism but of our own making.
If you are reading this and dealing with an addicted parent, my heart goes out to you. I can't imagine the weight of seeing someone you love, who may have even (ironically) championed your sobriety still unable to break the bondage of addiction. You need all the support and boundaries you can get right now. I also would suggest the following:
Consider AlAnon or Adult Children Of Alcoholics meetings, or even SMART Recovery. Get support and understanding from others so you know what to expect.
Set FIRM boundaries- “Dad, you cannot watch the kids for me if you continue to use around them”. “No, I will not give you the car keys when I know you've been drinking” “Mom, it's really unpleasant to try and have a conversation with you when you've been buying pills and are incoherent. When you are ready to stop, I'd love to talk but I just can't do this right now”.
Remember that your Recovery will look different from your parents. What worked for you may not work for them, and vice versa. You can support their choice to go into treatment, but it's still THEIR choice, not yours.
If you have a parent visiting you, take precautions-Lock up your medication until they leave if that's an issue, set rules about no paraphernalia (stems, baggies, pipes, bottles, Koozies)or products in the house and be firm on that. Be aware of any valuables if your loved one might be tempted to steal from you. Remember that you are dealing with someone who doesn't have the same values or rules as you. An addicted parent is still going to act like an addicted person first and usually a parent second, if at all.
There seems to be no rhyme or reason why some people in a family develop addiction while others don't. I don't know why my Mom was blessed to not become an alcoholic, or why the urge to compulsively drink ( I don't think I dodged the addictive trait genetics, just not in a substantive way)or do drugs hasn't landed in my own DNA. I went to parties here and there in college, but I wasn't a fan of being drunk and never had a hangover. I was much too cautious around substances, given my family history, to try psychedelics, or pop pills, or K-hole or anything else that was big in the early 200’s college drug scene. I suspect, from what I know of my family tree, that my Maternal Grandmother's family were probably stereotypical Irish Catholic heavy drinkers who knew how to polish a bottle. If I had kids of my own, I would also do everything in my power to try and keep them from getting into teen drinking and drugs but since I don't there's a big part of me that's glad I dodged that bullet, genetically or otherwise. My Dad could easily have started drinking heavily when I was locked up, to cope, instead he continued being himself, which is to say he hardly ever drank. My immediate nuclear family it seems, managed to dodge the bullet of addiction. Family life is complicated, Recovery is often complicated, but making consistent choices to simply not pick up even if your parent still does? That's the slightly less complicated part. You see what it's doing to the person who parented you, and you choose better what your parents cannot choose for themselves right now. Then? You keep praying and showing up and loving until, hopefully, they want what you have.