Don't Shrink For Others

When your Recovery and Growth makes others unhappy

A few questions for you all-When is the last time someone made you feel small, I don't mean uncomfortable, I mean kept in your place, told to tone it down, told you were being unrealistic, told you had a “pride problem” when you talked about yourself with dignity? Maybe it was as a child, maybe as an adult, and maybe a bit of both. Maybe it was recent, or many many years ago. The point is, Someone got upset that you were doing better then they were, or that you were taking space for yourself where they thought you shouldn't belong. As in life, so in Recovery.

I think while I don't remember getting much of this attitude as a kid, I certainly have as an adult. Once when I made the mistake of telling someone that I had applied for a certain Recovery position, that person ended up telling me “I wouldn't put any stock in that, it's not going to go well for you”, as if they were trying to scare me off. I've had people roll their eyes at me once, and upon seeing that my supervisor I had a guy gossip about my past to a colleague who I trusted (by luckily my Colleague told him off. In a true twist of fate he's sitting in jail for a while, still bitter about life apparently). Many years ago I had spearheaded a project only to have a supervisor basically take my idea and rebrand it as her own. Even today, I always have the people who seem to be very uncomfortable that I take my space, unapologetically. I've learned the hard way that when the people society sees as broken refuse to STAY broken, it makes their stigmatizing look bad and threatens the status quo of “Good people vs Those people”.

Here's the thing though.. all that BS that's coming your way because you cleaned up your life and now you want more then minimum wage, polite nods when you say you're in recovery, or the backbiting? It was never about you in the first place. The French theologian, Rene Girard, refers to the concept of the Scapegoat, traditionally and actual goat on which the sins of the community were ceremonially placed by the High Priest, who then used a switch of branches to drive the goat into the wilderness where wild animals would attack and devour it. Girard, in talking about the process in terms of human shaming and violence, says that “A scapegoat remains effective as long as we believe in its guilt” and I believe this to be true today. Whether the wilderness is a prison cell, compulsory mental health treatment, or a homeless encampment the idea is the same-There are people who cannot tolerate the fact that other people who made choices they never would make are free and exercising authority over their own life, in full public view. In other words, “Haters gonna Hate”. When the scapegoating is done online, it's no less vicious and sometimes more because what's on the internet usually stays there.

How many times have we read articles or seen a social media post blasting someone else's behavior? In talking to many of my colleagues and others in Recovery, I've seen familiar patterns of negative and stereotypical mugshots that promote the “Junkie in custody” trope. Almost all the people I talked to who were at a halfway house stated they had been spoken to dismissively or patronizingly on a daily basis. Some had been threatened, some had staff “accidently” lose passes for important appointments after they had asserted themselves to get better case management. Almost as many had said they had broken off relationships with people who were upset that they were no longer using because “You think you're better then me just because you're Sober?” was thrown at them. Here's the thing though: NEVER EVER Apologize for living your life in Recovery and Healing how YOU choose. Don't ever cower before another person just to keep the peace and make them calmer. No, you don't have to fist fight someone in the parking lot of Wendy's, but you you can decide that nobody can tell you where your “place” in society is. You not liking me is your problem, not mine. I'm not healing for your comfort and appeasement, I am healing and growing for myself. You can either join me, or you can crawl back into the Ogre Cave you crawled out of. Eleanor Roosevelt famously said “Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent”. Well, I don't consent.. Do you?