Broken Things
My peeps are broken people, and that's OK
On Friday, I ran into someone I know from my circle of Recovery people. “H” came up and talked and I noticed that she'd had the hell knocked out of her.. black eye, missing teeth..guy could have killed her. H has a history and gets judged for it, and it's why we relate so well together. When I see H, she always gives me a big hug and asks about me, my family, life, etc. As a semi-friend (we're cool but we don't hang out because she has a felony)I have tried to help her as best I can, and I'm getting her clothes and referals as I can.. it's the least I can do with what I have. I wish H was the only person I knew who felt constantly broken and rebuilt, but in my field of Addiction, that's rarely the case. It had been a hard, shitty day with some not so great news on the job front. I was holding it together, but the frustration was festering inside-Another opportunity probably thwarted by another HR department that didn't see me but my past. I leaned into chatting with other colleagues, and it allowed me to see things in perspective. Building quietly and strategically as you reenter life after prison is F***ing HARD, but I can tell you it's what you often have to do. Not everyone will get what you are doing, and frankly sometimes it's a better idea to just keep your process to yourself because people don't always want to see someone get better when they are jealous of that.
A colleague once said, noticing my clients, that I have a soft spot for the hard/desperate cases and I do. Sometimes it's because I see my cousin and his addiction in others, but mainly it's because it keeps me humble as I can be and reminds me that broken people are safe people to be around, because even though I never share my past brokenness with hardly anyone, I know I am not automatically judged just for the fact that I also am formerly incarcerated, that like them I also know what it's like to hurt people and wreck my life and feel toxic. Broken people are humble, healing, gentle, and yes.. beautiful souls. The 30-something woman with the gum disease who feels like she's judged, the guy who OD'd 30 times and died 3 on the ER table, the older woman who turned tricks but later became a key part of her church and a resource to help other women-All of these people inspire me to keep going, especially on the hardest days. Real, Raw, and brutally Honest people seem to be the kind of people I need around me.. not just as a coach, but as a man on his own journey of healing and redemption.
If we're honest with ourselves, our society has come to a point where Bro culture, deliberate triggering, offensiveness as culture, and other things have been weaponized to go after broken people as weak, unmanly, whiney, drains on society, “leeches”, “Welfare Moms”, “Scumbags”, “Losers” and “Low T Men who are TOO NICE”. Someone gets arrested in a Meth deal? They'll be on Channel 8 looking stoned and bleary eyed. But that same person goes into Detox, volunteers their time, reconnects with their kids, and contributes positively to the lives of others? Yeah, you won't see that on evening news. If this feels like you, then welcome to the club. It doesn't matter how good any of us look in our Recovery-All of us are Recovering from something because all of us got broken by something. This is why the “NA says you're not in recovery” thing ticks me off so much. Stigma is LITERALLY KILLING PEOPLE. Shame? It's also deadly: According to the W.H.O, “Roughly 21% to 23% of individuals with an SUD who did not seek treatment cited stigma-related concerns as the reason”.
It no longer surprises me that as my social circle has become close to non-existent, the people who I DO let into that circle as colleagues or friends are people who are a bit messy, who don't fit neatly into society, who have a story that might make you cringe, but are incredibly creative, resilient, and kind. Before my fall from grace, I tended to hang out with nerdy, intellectual, upper middle class do-gooders and maybe the occasional “Dude from your local indie rock band”. Now, I enjoy sitting in a room with other people chairing a recovery meeting or just listening in one, because I know that what's said is more powerful, more real, then what any random guy with a nice college degree and a tech job is going to yak on about it. There's a great song by Buddy and Judy Miller called “Broken Things”. I'll just leave you with some of that:
You can have my heart
If you don’t mind broken things
You can have my life if you don’t mind these tears
Well I heard that you make old things new
So I give these pieces all to you
If you want it you can have
My heart