A Good Man

A call to my brothers in healing

Hey Guys.. Yes I mean you my fellow messy but healing menfolk. It's been a bit of a rough time for the public perception of the Manosphere hasn't it? We, the Dudes, seem to have some prime examples of epic failing lately (*Cough*Graham Platner *Cough*). We've seen scandals, poor decisions, lame excuses, aggression, misogynistic statements and attitudes, and other garbage throw shade on our modern masculinity. We'd love to call it out, and we should, be we also sit with the fact that many of us were “that guy” at some point-The womanizer, the cheat, the manipulator, the schemer who never “got right”, the one who left his kids to chase the dragon on the street corner, the guy who valued the Internet more then reality and connection. Yep, we can check a few craptastic boxes, can't we? How do we come to grips with this moment and ourselves?

As a guy who swims in Recovery circles, I feel a need to push back on the “Look at all these bad guys out there” narrative. I wish the media could meet some of the amazing men I've come to know as a Recovery Coach who are Artistic, Good Dads, Hard Workers, Advocates for the Civil Rights of others, Gardeners, Musicians, Mentors, and so much more. I realize some days it may feel like your narrative is written for you. I've known it, and sometimes it's real for me as well. That being said, we are not powerless. The Lack of Power is simply a myth we swallowed alongside Toxic Masculinity . Choosing to be responsible, make amends, and work the process isn't a sign of throwing in the towel, it's a sign of manning up and being the men we always wanted to be but fell short of.

When I look for signs of my healthier masculinity, I see it in how female colleagues feel safe around me and value my input. I see it in how I am trusted by superiors because I showed up, did the work, and defied stereotypes about who I am based on who I once was. Does everyone see these changes? No, and Guys.. That's gonna happen. Some people see only what they want to see regardless of the work you've done. Our work, at the end of the day, IS OUR WORK. I wish there was an EASY button for male life like they used to sell at Staples back in the day (I had one on the desk of my apartment in Virginia many years ago) but there simply isn't one. Some days are hard, or frustrating, some days my “I'm not gonna swear” thing goes right the bleep out the window. Some days I become Rodney Dangerfield, muttering “I get No Respect!”. God knows I'm trying my best, and you probably are as well.

Many years ago, in a retreat in the NC Piedmont woods, we had an exercise where we affirmed one another and the sacredness of each member of the group. The facilitator started and walked around, whispering the affirmation in our ear. When S came around to me, she leaned over and whispered “You are BEAUTIFUL”. Well, my stoic mellow dude persona went RIGHT the heck out the window-I started tearing up. As a kid I had been told I wasn't like my peers, I didn't learn like they did. Something was broken, or abnormal. Maybe.. I was.. broken? Did you get this narrative drilled into you at some point? I think a lot of us did, consciously or subconsciously. We may have had a point where we had a breakdown, but we are not broken. I think the idea of the ashamed, broken man as a symbol of what healing and amends “should” look like is problematic at best. A healing man? That I can get behind..maybe you can as well.

So.. what does a “Good Man” look like to you?